"change" and "growth"

misunderstood...thats what i feel...theres a huge difference between the two...change and growth that is...one can have both but most only have one...i feel that now i have both...people will say "damn, you changed" which is a negative observation or they will say "you sure have grown" which is a positive observation...unfortunately everyone will not understand the difference...i am changing because i am growing and that is making me a BETTER person...understand the power of the difference and embrace me for who i am...the same person only BETTER...love me no less...love me no different...just love me for who i am

edith marie

my first best friend was my grandmother...my mothers mother...edith marie...when i was little i would spend at least a full week with her in the summer time but several weekends were a given...she told me about the world...past...present...and what she saw of the future...her ideals and views werent always conventional but i hung on her every word...she was the first person i could talk to...at times the only person...she never made me feel inadequate or silly for thinking one way or another...she explained...listened...shared...and listened some more...she understood me when i didnt even understand myself...she was a gift...she was love...and she is missed...i didnt really understand the impact she had on my life until she died...it was the first summer i didnt go to visit her...i had just graduated from high school and decided to stay home to work thru the summer before i started cosmetology school in the fall...i graduated in may to warm words of praise and congrats from her only to be followed by a phone call of her death from my uncle in july...the one summer i didnt go spend time with her...to busy being a teenager hanging with my friends...didnt even believe the phone call and went bowling to get out of the house...the one summer i regret...once reality set in and we went back home to kansas for her funeral the emotions came over...i remember getting to her house and seeing her chair she always sat in...empty of her presence forever...looking at her bulletin board and seeing in her handwriting my graduation date and the date i was to start cosmetology school...there for everyone to see...just how proud she was of me and my accomplishment...i graduated high school at sixteen...my gift was gone...i was there in her home and could feel her could even smell her on her favorite blanket in her chair....but she was still gone...i remember the anxiety i felt in the car ride over to the funeral home for the "family viewing"...we walked in and were lead to the room where she was...my brother corey and i walked up...looked in...and turned around..."thats not her, how they bring us in the wrong room?"...bastards i thought to myself so i took off and went searching the other rooms for my grandmother...corey searched a little too but it was when i heard some faint crying that i stopped and came back into the room...my mother standing at her mothers casket crying "thats her, thats my mother" she said softly as we walked up next to her...then my tears came and the blur of the weekend...the reality of my grandmothers permanent absence from that point on...the first best friend i ever had was gone...my gift...my love...gone...it still hurts but i will always cherish her for everything she put into and showed me...one day i will see her again...and i will feel her warm embrace again...hear her words of encouragement...i still she her and talk with her in my dreams...she always knows when to come to me...when i need her the most...thats why shes my best friend..my gift...my love.....EDITH MARIE i love you grandma

a legacy of strength

these past few weeks have been kinda hard for me emotionally...i know i can be sensitive at times but those are my personal times that i keep to myself...i dont like for people to see me cry...i feel its a sign of weakness and ive always been the one in my family that kept it together when the shit hit the fan...im not a panicer or someone who freaks out...things my mother and her mother taught me at an early age..."be strong" they would say..."keep it together sweetie"...or "the women are the heartbeat of the family" meaning never let them (your family) see you beating at a weak pace because then they themselves may lose hope and give up or give in...ive never seen my grandmother cry and she was a revolutionary in her own right...coming from the civil rights era she taught me about the "white man" and the "cracker"...introduced to me a love of black exploitation movies like "Cleopatra Jones" and "Coffy"...stories of strong black woman who stood up and fought for what they believed in...and for my mother...ive only seen her cry twice...once when i was little and we got evicted and the other when she saw her mother laying in her soft purple colored casket for the first time...even then her tears didnt last long but i know she had her moment in private when she let her emotions get the best of her...so with all this i had no choice but to keep my emotions to my self...it upsets me more to share those sad emotions with an audience then to spill open my heart to a presence that knows exactly where the emotion is coming from...which is deep inside my soul

you

why do you see me when no one else can? clearly without explanation of myself...scares me but true...no one and i mean no one listens...understands...moves...inspires...or SEES me like you do...and i take that as love and i appreciate how you love me...no one loves me more unconventional...special...honestly...or true....you will always live in my heart and i love you for that in return...no one sees me like you do...and no one loves me like you do...

for "Precious" girls everywhere

i saw the movie "precious" this weekend with my cousins and i was totally blown away. the story itself speaks volumes but i cant remember the last time i saw or even heard of a life story that real. truth is life is not always filled with happy moments and smiles. for some it never stops raining and those are the stories i feel we need to hear of. keeping the perspective that no matter the situation, you always have to "push" forward. i related to her in more ways then one, not everything but there are some situations that brought back some unwanted memories for me. but i took her story and how she dealt and it helps me deal with my issues and with the demons that found me at an early age. healing is a long process, for anyone. everyday i grow and i heal. and everyday i love and protect my children more then the day before to ensure those demons that found me NEVER find my babies. but thru the course of the movie i saw how she took the abuse, the self hatred, the loneliness, and yes her ignorance and pushed forward. it gives me hope that no matter the situation, the past, or the lack of whatever presence you need and deserve in your life, you can and will overcome and move past. i saw her go from wanting and wishing death upon herself to hopeful thoughts of a positive future and a real joy of living. her life was simple yet it was hers and she was determined to make the rest of her life better then her childhood. i could go more in depth and get real deep but im just gonna leave it at that, have a drink, say some prayers for the "precious" girls everywhere, try to enjoy the rest of the night before memories of lives past weigh my heart heavy. love your girls and your boys and protect them from any and all evil...those seen and unseen. peace and blessings

one degree of love (to love)

be my eyes when i can not see..walk me thru the darkness of life...trusting you to guide me to your heart...whereas you have found yourself in me...i also am within you...the purest form of ourselves...unleashed for all to see...

me and the pheonix

when i was 16 i got this rose on my hip. i thought i was sooo sexy that couldnt no one tell me nothing. and also being where it was placed of course my boyfriends loved it. well that was over 10 years ago and what seems like a lifetime away from the woman i am now. many things have happened in my life before and after that tattoo appeared but the one thing that stands out more then anything else is that i am not the person i was when i got it. lightyears away from her. mature and reasonable, patient and understanding, educated and fearless, but most importantly APOLOGETICALLY ORIGINAL. i have overcome many things...some only a few know but im stronger because of it. a few days after i got my Phoenix, i catch it looking at me. looking straight thru me and i was looking back. seemed to almost move and flap its wings. i was transfixed in the gaze of such a beautiful animal, but while i was staring into my Phoenix's eye i started to cry. that has never happened before but i was crying real tears. not tears of sadness but of knowng where youve been and knowing that from this moment on things will be different. things will be greater and you will find happiness within yourself. thru my tears the Phoenix spoke to me. spoke to my spirit and spirit understood everything clearly. spoke all the answers i did not have and because of it i vibrate higher...i vibrate higher

to whom it may concern

everytime i close my eyes i think of you. and our last time. so much so that it makes heart sing your song...on and....on and....on. you are the melody i hum to and the bass line my hips sway to. sweet sounds of love i always had yet never held. every emotion i ever felt. my spirit dances to your tune as it plays endlessly hroughout my body...never tiring or breaking sweat...

the next chapter

so today i found myself in a real melancholy mood. cant really explain it but as i looked at my surrounds i had one of those "umh" moments. there are soo many things i want to change and do but this place is not "my" place. which then lead me to understand that my 2 year plan would be alot shorter then i thought. i said to myself why wait for 2 years when it could be done a lot sooner. so here you have it folks. all fears and bs aside im closing this chapter in my life and starting a new one. asap! so after my daughters birthday party this weekend ill be sitting down in my office to work on my "new business plan" and just speaking that has already lifted my spirits. wish me luck folks...im ready for the world.

there was something about him that i could not explain...something that called to me...spoke to me...in a language i had never heard yet my spirit spoke fluently...called me in such a manner...that my thoughts danced and flashed...played out before my eyes like scenes in a movie...glimpses to what may become...to what has become...lost in his dialogue

"whatever you like"

i do not exist...i am a mere figment of your imagination...so we do not fight, we do not curse, we do not stress...we just...are...i am a soul revolving around yours...hanging off your ever notion..in a place where there is nothing at all...the being with all the answers to all the questions your mind can conceive...fulfilling every and anything left longing for more...i am nothing yet i am everything...everything to you...every dream... i bring to reality...every fantasy...i manifest...transform...and become...yes i am that good...i am whatever, whenever,and however...not just what you like and want...but what your soul needs...the things you can not speak...i hear loud and clear because those things are exactly what i am...and when i come out to play you are rendered breathless and motionless...only to feel pleasure and power...power of life..i stay with you as long as needed...and turn every second of my presence into an enchanting climactic moment of pure endless ecstasy...and when you are satisfied beyond your wildest imaginative thought...back to the place where there is nothing at all i go and i wait...wait til you want me...wait til you need me...to reclaim the seat on my throne...your courtesan i am...the concubine of your mind...

cool breeze

it never bothered me to be alone but i do have times when i get lonely. it comes when the kids are sleep and the house is still and silent. i reach over to the other side of the bed and i feel that cool breeze. my reminder that i am alone. all alone at times. which has nothing to do with sex mind you, its that part where theres no one to share my world and thoughts with on a daily basis. the little things that make a relationship special thats what makes me notice the cool breeze for what it is...the shiver of not just loneliness but of the constant reminder of it.

crazy worlds

my friend/client and i were talking about stuff and she asked me if i ever thought my private world was better then my reality, i told her mos def because my logic and reasoning isnt like that of most people so they wouldnt undersand. if everybody else lived in my world theyd think i was crazy...lol. she said she felt they same about her world, guess crazy loves company :)

i drift into you (dreamland)

darkness and flames take me to a familiar place. the place ive longed for...seeming an eternity. i am here and i am free...as soon as you join me. stillness of anticipation drives my body wild. but you bring me comfort. and you bring emotion. you become emotion and i am lost once again. only to be found in the wonderful amazement of the surprise that you are. i drift so deeply into you that i no longer think. every action, every word, every sense of everything is a thoughtless reaction to you. but still, i react to you and you to me. free in this dreamland and like the thoughts of a child, i run wild aimlessly. running in the fantastic enjoyment of pleasure, ecstasy, and truth. truth of self...truth of liberation. i drift into you and enter a dreamland of a slow emerging reality and i feel wonderful. feelings some only experience in dreams, you are a dream into reality bending my reality into a dream...

rain...rain...rain

everytime it rains...i think of you....everytime it rains...feel the raindrops fall on my face...i soak it in and all my pain is erased...leaving all those happy memories...touching, kissing, holding just you and me...everytime it rains...i think of you...everytime it rains

blue eyes

would you love me if my eyes were blue?...and all i did was cry all day thru...if i kept every hair in place...yet and still never put a smile on my face...when everyone is watching turn into your barbie doll...but behind our closed doors let my spirit fall...at my lowest deepest and darkest moment...could you see past my pain and allow me to know it..would you see the season im in for what it is...just a season in my path and not your personal test...to understand that yes i like you go thru changes...that arent as beautiful as you claim me to be...so tell me...if all i did was cry all day thru...would you love me if my eyes were blue?

songs

ive got songs in my heart...ive always had them and some are inspired by people closest to me....yet still most are feelings or thoughts i put to a melody and keep to myself or share with my kids at bedtime....they come out of me effortlessly and ease any uncertain feelings i may be having....they even heighten happy moods...seems as though the songs i enjoy most come from my melancholy moments and my buzzed ones...lol...but all my life the music which calls my soul and i feel within are the ones that explain some sort of heartbreak or deep emotion...be it love or pain i feel it in my soul....not the dance moves or party starters but the ones you listen to with a drink in your hand...always been that way

loves logic

the one you hate is the one you love

the one you need is not the one you want

pain of love keeps you bound to one,

while fear of pain keeps from the other

and because of this logic

you always run towards the one you should be running away from

josh x-an-tus "first time"

so for the past week or so ive had this song (among others) stuck in my head. its a lovely song and the way he plays the piano really speaks to my spirit. didnt surprise me when i found out he was classically trained, explained it all. wouldnt mind being on the remix, hmmmmm......light bulb!

staying focused

these last two weeks have been re-donk-cue-les. i was very unhappy with certain situations that have found their way into my circle. my spirit was very low and she was unhappy. but then a friend of mine reminded me of my goal and to always work toward it. as simple as it was, i had forgotten. you never let someone steal your joy or distract your focus. or let a negative situation or circumstance keep you from your destiny. its extremely hard to stay focused to reach an attainable goal and i think thats what got me. when you are on the path that God has for, YOUR path, everything that could possibly keep you from it will try to find a way into your life. you just have to be strong and not get distracted by it. sometimes thats the difference between failure and success. nothing worth having is ever easily gained. so i jumped back into my focus and got my shit back on track. killed two back to back photo shoots and ive been blessed to have two more in the works on top of my regular work load. so what can i say, my spirit has been uplifted. and of course when i look back on the past recent events, it wasnt anything i havent dealt with before in the past, so why did it get to me in the first place? probably because im actually working towards my own goals and an artist is always sensitive about their own work. all in all i welcome the hard and trying times because its only gonna make my success that much sweeter.

and now im better

before you guys i didnt know who i was. i was mean and selfish. ugly and cruel. only selectively showing my sweetness and kindness to those whom i deemed worthy. i closed myself off to the world. i was a bitch. short and simple. i didnt see much in the world i wanted or liked. but then you came along and a few years later your sister joined us and i have never felt more alive and loved and happy in my whole life. you guys filled a place in my heart that no one and nothing could. bryce you gave me purpose. before you i didnt really have a reason to get my shit together so i existed not lived. you boo made me see the goodness in everyone which allowed me to let my guard down just enough to move us forward in positive directions. along with the will and drive to stand on my own. bailey you gave me the strength to hold down my family and my business. beta you turned me into a role model, not just for you and boo but for anyone whos watching me. the things i went thru i knew i didnt want either of you to experience or feel. let alone be a victim of circumstance and feel as though you are a failure to the world, your family, or yourself. everything i do is for the two of you. you guys are always on my mind and when i see yall smile it makes everything life has ever done to me or put me thru worth it. i could never imagine or dream of a life i could live without my babies in it. i thank God for yall, who knows how i would have turned out if He had not blessed me with yall. when you were born bryce i became a mother, nurturing and understanding. when you were born bailey, i became a woman, strong, responsible, and respectable. i love you two forever and always, forever and always. i just pray i can continue to make yall smile and let you guys know just how much yall mean to me. bryce i love to see you write your name and bailey i love to see you assert yourself, my little diva. bryce allen and bailey nichole, you two are my loves and my life, and because of yall i know im better.

breath of fresh air

you are my time away from the world. time that is not there. tucked away into the emptiness of space where we can go. you make me forget all that is. which is everything because when we are together, all there is, is you and me. like a much needed vacation or moment to myself. no drama, no shouts, no tears, no stress. any problem that id given second thought to disappears when youre around me and once again all is right in my world. all is right because you bring me into our world. and i cherish every moment spent there. in an unforgiving world of disappointment that strangles the very life from me at times.....you...yes you.... are my breath of fresh air bringing me new life. preparing and strengthening me for another day...i cant wait to breathe again

whos loving you?

there was a time when i forgot to love. myself that is. i was sooo consumed with everything else that i neglected the most important being to me. my spirit. she was hurt, torn, confused and abused. i was in a very complicated situation that of course ended with alot of life changing events, but it was thru that situation i was able to see myself. see what was missing and why i was hurting. i became everything to everybody and it seemed to happen over night. i was a business woman by day and a mother and lover by night. loved the children, cleaned the house, did the laundry, cooked the meals, did the shopping(mind you most of this was for two households,) arranged weekend events (if any), became someones fantasy, paid the bills, went to work, ran two businesses, dealt with some crazy ass employees, dealt with unhappy clients because of the crazy ass employees, etc.... etc. motherfucking etc. now this doesnt seem like too much to some. i know plenty of women who deal with more but the difference between me and them is at that time i was soo busy loving everybody around me. being soo many different things to so many people and not having anyone be even a 1/3 of any of those things to me. inside i was alone and empty. and no one knew. had my game face on. hell where would my kids have been if i didnt? do you know what it feels like to realize that you have wants, you have needs, and theres no one who can take care of it for you? to love a man sooo much that it physically pains you because he doesnt love you back. i mean to actually feel your heart breaking inside your body as your spirit whithers away. to be slapped in the face one day by reality and finally see your situation clearly and know that you are getting fucked over. not a good feeling because thats when you realize that if you would have loved yourself continually you wouldnt even be in this emotional bottomless pit. i thought that if the kids were happy thats all that mattered, when in actuality the happier i was the better off the kids would be. so among other things, i started to love myself again. started talking to myself in positive ways. i became my own cheerleader. learned bridgette all over again. what does she like, what does she want, need, what will make her a better person. i discovered myself and was reborn anew. thank god for that heartbreak because without it who knows where id be or what i would have become. i was angry after the realization of course. mostly because i thought i was smarter and stronger then all of that. i mean who forgets to love themselves? but people never seem to amaze me and neither do i. but its all good, now. im at the top of my list where i belong and im on a mission. im smarter, stronger, and ready for whatever the universe has in store for me. i love with an unmeasurable force, ask anyone whos been blessed enough to experience it and they will agree. just imagine how good i feel, now that im loving me....

just be

why is it so hard to just be? to not want or need. to not care or feel. to just be peacefully living in your own existence. not bothering no one. surrounded by your own thoughts and not those that society or the world tries to force upon you. just you and whatever you think. whatever you make into your reality at that moment. whatever. everyone else thinks they know whats best for you. only you know whats best for you, and most of the time, the best thing for you is you. you when you just be. when you dont try to fit the mold, dont try to make everyone else happy, dont try to live up to some unreasonable standard. dont you see, when you stop trying, thats when you can finally be. just be. i spent many years living in my box. closed off from the world because everytime i tried to be i ended up being something that i wasnt. which in turn left me unfulfilled, mean, and unhappy with myself and the world. then one day i woke my ass up and said enough. who gives a flying fuck what the world thinks of me. all that matters is what i think. i dont want to fit into anybodies mold, i just want to be. i just want to be me. and thats all i want or need. thats all i care about and thats all i feel from that moment. im living and existing and im able to be....whatever whenever and now im finally happy.

munchies

i dont eat a lot of sweets but the later i stay up at night, the sweeter my cravings get. ice cream, cookies, sandwhiches, chocolate. shit anything that aint tied down really is suspect to "get in my belly." but crazy thing is, sometimes the food tastes better at 2:37 in the morning. so as long as im up, its on. watch out kitchen, mommas on the prowl.

1am

where we go again. another night with me watching the wall. quietly singing to myself. singing out all my thoughts to release them from my mind and free my spirit so she can rest. and so i can be at peace with myself and the world. my thought process is extremely different then most that sometimes i find myself enslaved by it. i zone out and get lost so i sing to come back to the world and free my mind. but tonight its not just that. tonight i have so many thoughts, my head is clouded and its all a blur. meaning my songs have no words. just notes which makes me hum more then sing. nerve settling all the same but takes a lil more time to clear out the mind. comes out kinda jazzy more so then a ballad but still music from my soul. most people dont even know that i sing. my joy. i passed that joy to my children. my son tries but his notes arent always there. still music to my ears though. but my daughter goes note for note when shes not being silly. i was the same way coming up only i kept it to myself. my daughter doesnt posses those fears i did, she puts on a show. i admire that fearlessness and fire in her. i admire my sons willingness to try also, regardless of the expected outcome. but im a singer. emotionally and nervously because it brightens my spirit and calms my soul.

close your eyes...

come away with me...to a place where time does not exist...so there wont be any interruptions...and no unspoken need to hurry off somewhere else..where no one knows your name because the only people allowed there are you and me...so there are no distractions...only thoughts...only us...and whatever we make...here we dont have to be physical to connect...we just have to be...we float aimlessly in space and get lost in each other...thoughts become dreams...dreams become reality...in our world we live for these dreams...and when we experience them all is perfect...all is beautiful...all is us...a place where touching is not only done with hands..but with eyes...here one glance speaks, connects, feels and reveals everything thats wanted...everything thats neglected...and everything thats needed..feeding off each others energy leaves our bodies motionless...all is still...desires fill the air and gently fall upon us...soft kisses tease and please...taking away all the complexities of the outside world...here is where we belong...here is in each others arms...between gentle back strokes done by finger tips...and lips upon the nape of the neck...where a soft kiss...placed anywhere...is equivalent to a passionate unclothed embrace...this is our place...so come away with me...where time does not exist and all is perfect...all is beautiful...all is us

the littlest of sisters

youre not my child yet i love you just the same. always wanting to keep you protected from harm. from the world. wanting to live out all your failures and shortcoming so you wont have to bare the pain. so youll always be strong and unbruised. id lock you in my closet everytime danger neared you. id face the devil toe to toe to keep you from his wrath. anything and everything i could possibly do, that would protect you, i would. hands down no questions asked. walk you through the world with my hands covering your eyes whenever negativity tired to cloud your mind. you and me we are one in the same. why would i not shield you from all pain. no matter how old we get or how grown you think you are, you are my brat and ill love you whether youre near or far. but i cant do all these things that i want to for you. what lesson, life offers, will you gain? how strong will you be if i fight all your battles? i cant live your life for you, i can only watch. watch you grow and learn. stumble and fall. pick yourself up and stand tall. deal with every situation while i stand guard beside you. quietly guide you, because no matter what i tell you, some things you have to experience to understand. thats where i hurt. to see your paths end and what you must go through.....and not live it for you. but i will always be there to hold your hand or lend an ear. for you live in my heart and your song forever plays there....

positive mind = free soul

think about that for a minute............how free do you really feel when you let go and allow positive energy into your mind. nothing and no one bothers you and everything works out the way you want and the way it is intended. be positive people...now wrap that around your brain, soak it in, accept it, apply it and see what happens in your life. be blessed beautiful ones

loneliness

im at one of the highest points in my life right now. things are great and i can only go up from here. but sometimes, even still, in all of this i get lonely. feeling as though im all alone, even in a crowded room. as if there is no one who can connect with me. no one to understand. crazy huh? shit happens and no matter where you are in your journey, no matter how many people you surround yourself with, shit happens. what actually i dont know. but it does and there i am consumed with loneliness. just me in my own little world. sometimes it just be like that. sometimes...

when i was younger i had a boyfriend who went to jail. i loooved me some of him. he was good to me too. we wrote back and forth, i still have some of those letters with the artwork all over the envelope and pages. i would go see him every sunday, like clockwork, downtown at county. we would have our visitation, you know talk and laugh and stuff, and then i would go about my day. yeah i was a jailhouse girlfriend back in the day. but all those times i never cried. not even once. i knew hed be alright and once he came home we would pick up where we left off. long story short, when he did finally come home (almost 3 years later),i was too different a person to be with him. id grown too much and wanted way more then what he was comfortable with. and the fact that he was still hanging around the people who got him locked up in the first place didnt help either. but nevertheless it was an experience for me. one i thought i wouldnt have to revisit in any shape or form. earlier this year, my little cousin got into some trouble and now hes in jail. we all thought hed be home by now but he isnt. i know hes gonna be fine but you still dont want to see your loved one in that kind of situation. ive always looked after him like a little brother more then a cousin because we all grew up sooo close, which is why i wouldnt go see him. everytime i thought about him, like that, my heart hurt. so i never thought about it. only talked about it when i had to with my family. i consoled them when needed and i was strong for them always. he asked his mother why i hadnt been to see him once. my reply "because i cant see him like that." he said he respected my decision but i knew he wished i would come. a few more months went by and finally he told his mother he wanted me and his older sister to come because he was tired of seeing her face. so i gave in, and i went to see him. and i was cool too. right up until the point where i actually saw his face, on the monitor holding a phone to his ear. i crumbled. cried like a baby, the whole time my heart in pain. all i could say was i was sorry and i love you. i knew the last thing he needed was to see ME cry but the emotion took over. up until that moment i hadnt dealt with it. i didnt let it effect me until finally it burst from my body. even though hes a 20year old man i still see him as this big headed little 10 year old. my bigheaded little fool ready at the drop of a hat to do whatever i needed of him. and it made my heart hurt. because i cant do anything he needs me to. i cant help me out of this situation and take him home. i ended up crying all day after i left him. everytime i thought of him, the tears came rolling. followed by a drink to help my nerves. i dont cry often so when the tears do come, it turns into a major production. all the pinned up emotion that screams to get out always finds a way. had my eyes soo low you would of thought i was smoking that good stuff. it just amazed me though. i thought i loooved me some of the boyfriend back in the day, but truth is theres nothing like family. they prove to be worthy of my tears. tears that encompass that which is beyond emotion and feeling beyond even words. my little big headed fool. im praying for you and i love you. continue to be strong and you will be home soon. i got a stupid hug for you when you do come home too. and that time youll be able to wipe my tears for me. i love you damar

why is it that other peoples children work the shit out of your nerves but your kids are angels? ive been surrounded by other peoples kids for like 2 weeks and im ready to scream. my kids are young but they know when enough is enough. its gonna be a long summer.

so ive been running nonstop now for a couple of months. sleep never came easy but now its almost a memory. unless im standing still and then i fall over snoring. yes woman snore. im more of a heavy breather but its still a form of snoring to me. ive been so busy lately that i havent had a lot of chill time with my folks. they dont understand it. my plan. i was at a show last year and i met a hairstylist who had been in the industry for over 50 years. now i love what i do but i dont want to be standing behind the chair for 50 years. thats a long time and im surprised she didnt get burned out. she obviously loves what she does. i do too but that conversation made me realize that it was time for me to start branching out. i had some what limited myself to the salon. just me and my clients. tuesday thru saturday work all day and all night. get off saturday and sit at my folks house with the kids then go home. sunday be in church all day ( i sang in the choir too) and then go home. monday run my errands and clean my house. tuesday start the cycle all over again. that was my life. and it was becoming boring. i hadnt lived up to my professional potential. at least thats how i was begining to feel. i had so many ideas and dreams i wanted to fulfill but they were locked in my mind. so i started to think outside the box. i started studying more and practicing more. i tried new things. i joined a styling team which allowed me to meet other stylists and learn from them. i traveled more, all over the country, which showed me different styling techniques outside of my own. i networked and came out of my shell. got involved with doing makeup and learning more about new fashion trends (not just the stuff i liked but the stuff the world liked) and it made me see my job and my life with new eyes. all those ideas and dreams that were locked down are no longer trapped and collecting dust. everyday new doors open for me and wonderful opportunities present themselves and im falling in love with my industry all over again. everyday i see myself growing professionally and all my ideas and dreams are slowly changing.....into my reality. and i love it! so yeah im on my tunnel vision. i got things im getting done and im setting up and im busy professionally but its all with the bigger picture in mind. even if no one else sees it, they will one day. just as clear as i do now.

and what do you do?.......

you know me and i know you...deeper then most will ever get the chance to...and it scares me...our connection is not that of friends or lovers...but a mix of the two...i allow you to see me...in all my splendor, vulnerability and complexity...watch as the shadows dance over and around my silhouette in the darkness...your hands float along every curve of my body...you gaze upon me...and i am entranced...your spell is cast...and what do you do?....you hold me...you listen...you share...you see...you understand me...and it scares me...you get in an instant what i want...to be seen and understood...to be me...unapologetic and fearlessly...and it scares me...you hold me as no man has ever done...differently...gently...perfectly...and in that moment...i am whole...and what do you do?...nothing...no stupid comment to kill the mood...no awkward silence waiting for my next move...you...just...hold me...you listen...you share...you see...you understand me...and it scares me...to know me so well...so quickly...proves my soul speaks to you...proves more then an animalistic attraction exists...proves our inner beings long for one in the same...you have this knowledge...and so do i...and what do you do?...you hold me...you listen...you share...you see...you understand me...and it scares me

unloveable

at one point in my life i seriously believed that i was unloveable. that i would never ever find a man to love me. i mean truly love me for all that i am worth. i know im a handful and not every man can handle, let alone deal with, someone like myself. ive had men come in and out of my life, but i never really felt like they loved ME. maybe they loved what i stood for in their minds. i dont know. i just felt like i would always be alone. and i was okay with that. after my kids were born i was like, hey now i got company for at least another 18 years but it wasnt the same. i guess that secret mentality kept me content in a way. i was never the girl coming up who had to have a boyfriend or whatever. if i was involved with someone then i was and if i had no one calling my phone or looking for me with a flashlight in the daytime, then i was perfectly fine with that also. probably another reason why i didnt really take guys seriously when we were together. kinda like it made me feel that this too will come to an end, just dont know when. and after i finally tried at some serious relationships that ended in what i thought was considered a personal failure, the whole unloveable idea almost seemed gospel to me. crazy thing is, when you believe in something (no matter what it is) it becomes your reality. the stronger your belief in it, the more your mind makes it real...to you. but the more i matured and became comfortable with myself and in my own skin, the crazier the whole unloveable thing became to me. makes me laugh at how funny it actually sounds to say and hear it, and not just think it. i mean who wouldnt love me? im strong, independent, loving, caring, and all those other adjectives people use to describe others with affection and sooo much more. i hold down my own business, my own finances(no handouts here), take damn good care of my kids (single parent of the year thank you once again), i run my own household, and when im with someone, i know how to make them feel like we are the only two people who exist in the universe. oh yes, every aspect of my love goes that deep and further. because i love with every fiber of my being. wrap your mind around that concept for a minute and youll start to understand where im coming from. who wouldnt want that in their life? i see that as a pure blessing. unloveable? i can only speak for myself and that is a thought i no longer allow to have control in my mind.

how to: love me (the men's edition)

im not someone who can be easily loved. sounds crazy? its true, im not. mainly because when i love, there are no words to describe it. for me or for him. but when it happens, something changes. inside me. i become better. i become real and weird things happen. i open up and he sees bridgette for the first time. i touch and allow myself to be touched. i take interest, and i mean a real concern, in every aspect of his life. because it makes him happy, i get joy in his happiness. im no longer tough and argumentive always proving my point by getting the last word. i dont rush around and occupy my time with things that can be handled at a later date. i dont take everything he says or does at face value silently waiting for the bottom of our situation to fall out. i take my time with him and love him. do my best to fulfill his dreams, wishes, and desires. i listen and be his friend as well as his lover. i feel his highs and lows. let him have a bad day without complicating his mind or feelings because sometimes you just need to live through it without someone on your ass about it. some things you gotta work out by yourself. i give and respect that need of space. i share not just my life but my world with him. giving him access to every part of me. every single little thing that makes bridgette bridgette, hes able to see. my mind, in all of its complexities, he is given the privilege to desyfer and understand. he is given the right to my body. to respect, cherise, nurture, and yes.....explore her. my spirit and soul are allowed to intertwine with his and everything else that dwells within that mans being. i see both sides to every situation and issue, not letting my love cloud my judgement, but by allowing it to direct my man to the right path. i lead when im needed, never belittling or taking away from his manhood. and follow eagerly letting him know hes needed in my life because i dont know everything about everything. and because as strong as i am, i cant do everything by myself. somethings are better with two. the role i play is a complicated one. but when i love, i play it so well that youd swear ive been in love my whole life because it comes that natural to me. when im in love. for a man to reep these benifits and much, much more, he has to be able to do all the same. which for most men is hard. i do everything in my life with a purpose. i put out positive to recieve positive. i would never do anything to someone that i didnt expect in return. good or bad. i try to be aware of everyones feelings, not just my own. which is why i love this way. i need to be loved the same. problem is...most men dont understand my logic so they end up missing their blessing in me. which most often, is just that......ME

the last dragon

have you ever seen something that was sooo pleasing to your eyes that it made you feel like they were just blessed? i saw something that was so beautiful to me it shocked me. you can find beauty anywhere and in any thing, but this was something that i dont usually find beautiful. nice, cool, but never beautiful. it wasnt like i even stared at it for hours on hours, it was all of maybe a minute. you know when something catches your eye and then you move around? yeah like that. but when my eyes saw it, i heard a song in my head. ever see that movie the last dragon? at the end when leroy finds his strength and understands his power he starts to glow and then you hear "you are the last the dragon, you posses the power....." well thats what i heard and get this. the thing almost glowed to me. i know, too many movies and too many drinks. but hey, thats me.....

you're real

i have my krystal. she was able to make it out and we spent the weekend with our family. the time i enjoyed the most was when she came to the salon and we had our alone time if you would. i looked at her and she was 4 years old again and i was her big sister. eager to show her anything and take care of her not matter what happened. when we were little i would spend the summers in kansas with my dad and other relatives. i remember getting off the plane and there she would be, excitement jumping off her little body. she would squeeze me sooo tight when she hugged it always amazed me. i could not only see her love for me but i felt it. when i first saw after all those years, that same feeling i used to get when i got the plane came right back. and hugged her just as tight, just as long, and countless times. remember the movie the color purple? when celie and her sister were reunited after like 50 years or something? yeah, it was like that for me. only better. real. its funny because everytime she got me alone, she hugged me. just like when she was little. she always did that. hug me for no reason and it always made my heart smile. she is just like i remember in some many ways yet i see the woman she is becoming. our family kept telling me how much she was like me. even my friends and co-workers saw it when she was here. when i look at her, it amazes me how much we have in common. body language, certain pharses when we speak, and even how we handle people at times. all those years apart with not physical contact or any form of communication, and my little sister whos face shares some of my characteristics, is just like me. amazing. she said to me "youre real" many times when she looked at me. almost like i had stepped out of a dream and was now in her reality. yes, im real and her dreams are now over because her reality from this point on will forever include me. forever......

you cant just like it, you gotta love it

i LOVE what i do. people dont understand it. whenever i meet someone who tells me they want to get into the hair business, im like great. its fun, exciting, no two days are ever the same, but i always finish with-DO YOU LOVE IT? this is not something you can do and be successful at if you dont love it. ive always done hair. always. when i was in fifth grade my mom cut my hair off like halle berry in boomerang. she was like here now you can do your own hair. i was like cool. when i was little all my dolls hair was either cut up or greased down in some sort of style. i would take all the shampoo bottles out the bathroom and shampoo my dolls hair. them girls would be clean, ya hear me? hell after using the whole bottle on one barbie they ought to be. and of course my moms would fuss like crazy but thats just an example of the passion i have for this. i remember getting my hair done when i was in elementary school once. i sat in the salon and watched all the stylists. watched their different styles and techniques. i was in heaven. then one of the stylists took her cape and placed it around her clients neck. i watched as the cape floated down gently on the client and it seemed to be falling in slow motion to me. i was mesmerized by it. i said to myself, self we gotta do that. that shit was too cool for school. but after that i was all over the hair stuff. family, friends, friends of family, nobody was safe as long as they were sitting still. once i graduated high school and went to cosmetology school, thats when i knew this was for me. it was me. i cant tell you how excited i got just learning the ins and outs and different platforms of my craft. shit i still get excited. because i LOVE it. all the hard work, long crazy hours (especially during the holidays), traveling, meeting new people, working for myself, etc..... man i love it. all of it. but it is hard work. you have to pay your dues in this game and thats something you never really stop doing because its always changing. and you gotta be up on it. thats the beauty in it. it keeps you on your toes if youre willing to be serious about it. the possibilities where this industry can take and lead you endless. only thing is.....you cant just like it, YOU GOTTA LOVE IT

whats it to you?

why must i always defend myself? it seems that no matter what i do theres always someone somewhere with a million questions. its like they dont see outside their box and expect everyone else to be just as blind to the outside world as them. i love people. especially my people. im in the service industry so i have to love people. i deal too closely with them not to, but there are times when it gets to me. most people dont understand others because of the gaps between them. my lifestyle may not fit yours and vice versa but i dont fault or question you for it. do you. im doing me. as far back as i can remember the path i have chosen has not been one with a trail of fans following behind. i have a game plan. you may not see my playbook but its not for your eyes to criticise. i have many things i want to accomplish in my lifetime. i have many projects in the works as we speak. but these are my projects. sit back, relax, and watch how i do this.

little girl lost

my family is very large. i have 5 brothers and sisters and in birth order im second oldest and oldest girl. this naturally makes me more naturing and motherly then my siblings. my older brother has 4 years on me but to see us interact everyone thinks im the big sister. im very protective of my family. very. i have one sister in perticular who ive always kept in a special place. krystal. sad thing is, for reasons beyond our control, i wasnt able to physically protect her. thats because we havent seen each other in almost 15 years if im counting correctly. the last time i saw her was probably 6 months to a year from the date this photo was taken. ive always wondered where she was. how she was. hell, what she even looked like. if i passed her on the street would i recognize her? would she me? i knew i would. i just never knew when id get the chance to test this theory out. had life been as good to my sister as it had to the rest of us? one in the medical field, two in college, one showing major promise in his young years, and me a successful hairstylist and proud mother of two. so many unanswered questions. at one point in my life i thought about calling into a talk show to find her. all i knew was her mother remarried and moved to germany. my sister in tow. i never talked about this in depth with anyone. all the feelings and emotions i experienced everytime i thought about it. no one would understand. hell they barely get me now. but still she was always there in my heart. always. never once taking away from the love i have for my other siblings just effecting me more. effecting my differently. i prayed many many nights and times for her. not just for her safety or her health, but her return. her return to me and my family. my prayers and those of several of my family members didnt go unanswered. thru several internet sites (thank you facebook.com) on january 1, 2009 my sister called me in response to a message i left on her facebook page. hello, my name is krystal jackson and my father is manuel delano jackson and i believe i am your sister. im the one youre looking for........my heart stopped and i almost hit the floor. tears clouding my vision as i walked out of the room to hear the call better. excuse me but, what did you say? yes she replied and repeated everything with a laugh. a laugh that assured me she was feeling the same as me. FINALLY my sister has come back to me. when she was born i had this wonderful feeling. i cant even describe it. i always wanted a sister and its like i was given a gift. when we lost contact, my gift was taken away from me. i could never nature and care for her let alone develop any type of relationship with her. but when her voice and her words registered in my ears, mind, and heart, that feeling i felt as a little 7 year old girl came rushing back to me. all i could say was thank you Jesus and i love you sweetie. she asked that i would never lose her again and i promise sweetie that is no longer a possibility for us. we speak almost everyday since that phone call and im extremely excited to say shes coming to visit me next weekend. our first meeting in nearly 15 years. i still dont know what im gonna do when i see her but ive taken some days off just to be with her as long as i can. this is a long time coming and im so thankful that it is here and not another 15 years down the road. my dad, my lisa, and 3 of my siblings will be here at my house too so its kinda like a mini family reunion. they live out of state so they have seen her already. im the last but we will have our time together, just me and her. our future started that night in january with one phone call. it erased most of the pain from the past and set a path towards endless possibilities. not just for me and krystal but for the jacksons as a whole. God has truely blessed my family. my little girl is no longer lost

damn

i dont even know you...dont know your name. dont know where you live. dont know the basics like age or if youre even free to explore my possibilities. you are a mystery to me. but i cant shake you. you live in my dreams where you never leave. you walk around my mind all day sooo much im tired of seeing you. but i see you. everyday like its the first time. my body yurns for you. but i dont even know you. a chance meeting left your cologne in my nose. that must be how your soul met mine. sailed on your scent and entranced my spirit telling my soul you were special. making me want you. making me see you. making me feel you. my body yurns for you. but i dont even know you. find me and free me. turn me loose so i can love another. just one taste is all my soul needs. its always the unknown that drives us mad. however i feel i will always hunger for you. why me? why me? have i cursed you too. surely i am not suffering alone. my soul crys silently. will your soul find it and dry these tears? my body yurns for you. but i dont even know you.

when do you stop loving?

when does your heart come to the conclusion that its all loved out? do you wake up one day and say "okay i think thats enough." or "the meter has reached its limit." i dont think thats how it works at all. not love at least. there are so many different types of loving and with each comes its own degree. recently some people from my past have expressed to me their love. each i understand loves me in their own different way. one i feel is a mutual respect and understanding of how there will always be that one special place in their heart that only i can live in. the other is more on the first ever in my life kinda feel. not the virgin first but the first ever major event in my life and you were the one i shared it with feel. i learned a lot from these men and i do love them both. we dont always agree but i will always and forever have love for them and hold all of our special moments in my heart. im still cool with all my exs unless the communication line gets destroyed. but for the most part if we lose contact its all good in the hood when we do run back into each other. so even though i have those moments when im ready to go for blood in the back of mind theres still love. when you truely love someone it never stops. no matter what kind of love it is or what degree of it. if its LOVE, it never ends. it can change, it can decrease and increase in intensity but it will never end. even after youre dead and gone it will still be there living in the universe carring on your legacy.

love, sex, money...who wants it?

love
i dont want it. everybody says they do but when they get it can they deal? nope. they neglect it. love isnt just about flowers and candy and baby youre the best. its deeper then that. love is a slow process that taste sweeter then your tongue could ever handle. because the longer you let love marinate the more potent it will become. if the love i get doesnt make me hunger for more..then i dont want it.

sex
i dont want it. if you cant make me see your soul for what it truely is so i can expose mine you...then lets not even go. i dont believe in wasting time. i get paid for mine so it makes me value others even more. if you can't respect that...then i dont want it.

money
i dont want it. if i have to sell my soul to obtain it then it was never meant to meet my bank account. for some it can be the root to all evil but for me its just another means to an end. the more money i get the more bills i find in my mail box...i dont want it.

love...sex...money...
i need it. love not just from those im around on a continual basis like my clients, family, friends, or co-workers but from my kids and self. unconditional. good and bad days included. sex because my soul craves to be turned loose sometimes. the freedom only felt in moments of such passion when the world stops. bodies swirl into one. emotions and feelings become images like those you see on your computers media player. money because it opens the door to new possibilities for my children. i want them to have more then i do at my age. do, see, feel, and experience more then i can ever dream in my lifetime. i want for my family the BEST lifestyle i can provide for them. so as you see individually, nope i dont want it. but put all those pieces together and thats what i need. thats what i need...

BANG! BANG! BANG! i must be dreaming, right? no because i hear people yelling. the dogs barking. something must be going on that shouldn't. voices i dont recognize. except one. my step dads. who is he talking to? now they are running past my window. i get up and crawl into my brothers room. corey did you hear that? no! how could you not? i watch enough tv to know that was gun shots. get back to bed are you serious? oh now you just gone roll over and go back to sleep like nothing happened. nigga please. so i go back to my room but something doesnt feel right. i cant take it no more. down the hallway towards the hazy light of the living room. whats that smell? not cigarette but...gun smoke? yeah gun smoke. still in the air. thats the haze burning my eyes. thats the smell in my nose. mumbles. rumbles. all in the back study. voice i know. my step dads. i go to the study and he's limping. and bleeding. oh shit, wheres corey now? whats going on? what happened? this is when all the things i just passed finally register in my young brain. furniture turned over...broken glass...bead curtain all over the floor...bullet holes in the carpet...blood here...blood there. this is bad. real bad. 911 something happened i dont know what...my step dad is bleeding...im scared and now im crying. hang up. hello hello. i must be dreaming because im sure when you call 911 and tell them something is wrong, they're not supposed to hang up on you. 911 help. gun shots. yelling. running. blood. stay calm? im not sure if thats an option right now. go to the door? why? police are here. are you sure? KNOCK! KNOCK! answer the door...its ok im on the line with you and thats the officer i sent to help you. i walk to the door. hand on the nob. HPD open up sweetie its ok now. i open and see flashin lights and hear the sirens loud in my ears. why hadnt i heard them before? here comes corey. nigga i told you something happened. he hugs me as the police search the house and EMTS come through with the meds. call your mom let her know. moms is home. everything disappears when she hugs me. no police. no local news trucks. not even my step dad with his through and through gun shot wound to his leg. everything disappears. everything. its just me in my moms arms. all madness has stopped and the tv show that materialized in my life ended.

now imagine sleeping in your bed to be awaken in such a manner. all at the tender age of 9. this was just one of the nights from my childhood. my step dad didnt ask to get robbed at gun point in his home with the kids in the next room sleep, but who does? just another day in my past. just another day.....

cant sleep..the usual for me. anyone who knows me will tell you thats how i run. stayed home from work today because of a sinus infection and slept for a good part of it. did manage to wake up in time to watch "the game" i love that show. LOVE derwin and malik. watch out malik...you're on my radar. i never really sleep though. i hate sleeping alone. no i'm not a slut puppy and sleeping alone doesn't involve sex when i say it. but for me having someone to sleep next to makes me sleep. crazy? who knows but it's how i work. the last time i got a steady night's sleep was when i was with my daughters dad and that was like almost 2 years ago. sad i know but it's the price i pay for not being a slut puppy and for not bringing dudes to my house. i need my private time and space...feel me. most of my sleepless nights i watch boomerang. love that movie. see alot of myself in robin givens character in the movie. boss. nough said on that one. if im not watchin that then i stare at the walls and just think. mostly random thoughts but a lot of soul searching too. probably why i know myself soo well now. i actually get a chance to have my me time and reflect on all the things that happened thus far. maybe my sleeplessness does pay off after all.

body image

growing up in the south i was always surrounded by curvy girls and woman for as far back as i can remember. i was forever the skinny twig. no titties. no hips. no thighs. i got a tattoo once and when the guy started to draw on my leg the bastard told me i needed to eat a couple of hamburgers. bastard, and that was when i was in college. growing up thick was the shit and i wasn't it. however...look how the tables have turned. i'm a grown woman. no longer a girl. grown woman weight on. hips curved just enough. thighs fixed to my small frame. and the booty or donk as everyone seems to point out these days turns more heads then a lil bit. good things really do come to those who wait. my body image is just that. my body. no matter how thin or how curvy i like everyone else should love it. i love it now but i do wish i would have loved it then. then i would have known that all those curvy teens would turn into spongebobs after the first baby. i popped out two beautiful angels and i'm still rockin that thang

minds gone wild

for many many years people have told me "i'm a different kinda girl." it wasnt until VERY VERY recently that i understood what that truely means. i have experienced many different things in my short life span (i'm only 26) yes just a baby. but my mind has been part of this whole "different" theory. yes i'm the girl who always played with the boys thanks to my older brother. so thats were this whole thing started but im glad and thankful. i LOVE me. i didnt always because i didnt know me. nobody did. i cant be labeled by anyone because i'm not a label. what i am and who i am is far too glorious to be contained or defined. thank God for me because i know i am a blessings to any and everyone i come in contact with. as they are to me. this new sense of realization is just the begining. stay tuned people...