Thursday, May 13, 2010
nothing worth having is ever easily gained. patience is truely a virtue in my world right now. the closer i get to my dreams it seems like the weaker my patience gets. and the more others test my faith. and underestimate me. the doubt bothers at first but then fans my flame. so i guess thank you in a way. thanks for shaking my stage, it only makes me hold my ground stronger and stand a lil taller. focus....im in the zone
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
i lost my voice and my peace...only for a moment...but it seemed like forever...FOREVER........the last few weeks are starting to take a toll on me...and so today...i broke down...the emotion and the gravity of the situation finally caught up to me and i broke down...ashamed at the audience i shared it with i could no longer suppress it...and something in me was glad to unload the baggage but still i was ashamed...i push and i work my ass off everyday for my kids...my family,,,and my loved ones...and once everyones needs and wants are met THEN i see about my needs and wants...i always put everyone before myself because i drive some of my happiness from their happiness...its intoxicating at times to feed off the positive energy and emotions of your loved ones...at least for me it is...however who is really there for me to do the same...the con of being strong and independent...there is no one there to do that for me...a fact that becomes blatantly evident everytime i do something for myself..i love and support all the dreams and projects people do...i may not agree all the time with the method of action but if the bigger picture makes sense i got you...positive blessings to you...this is not always the reaction i get in return...which is were the pain collects....settles...and clouds my heart weighing down my spirit...it never fails....the ones you love the most are at times the ones who break you...hurt you...quick to say how much they only want the best for you and how much they love you....if you really loved me youd let me go...youd see that i need to spread my wings in order to progress into the next chapter of my life...if you really loved me youd support me even if losing me hurts you...youd let me shine in my own light away from yours and your shadow...you would be my friend...im really just tired of the fact the people whos opinions matter the most to me cant support me and be there for me when i need them...i do sooo much for others and when i finally do for myself....those same people arent there for me...it seems like every life changing event there was some "special" person in my life who i loved and cared for...that didnt support me and that hurts...here i am once again some life altering event of epic proportions and the only person whos support i knew i had and needed bailed on me...and everyday the realization of that loss becomes clearer...and again i hurt...i know im walking into my destiny so that persons choice wont take me off my path....but it still hurts...it still effects and weighs on my spirit...and so i broke down today...after months of build up and pain suppression...the human in me was victim to her emotions...im not superwoman but crying is not something i do often...which is were the shame found me....i know what im doing is right...i can see every move before i make it and i know GOD is directing me so im not worried or scared...its the process of it that gets me so im just trying to soak in all GOD is showing and teaching me right now...but it does help to hear your thoughts confirmed every now and again...its just like hearing someone say 'i love you"...you already know it but it just feels good to hear them say it...just like "window seat" by erykah badu....."i need someone to clap for me"....that song never made more sense to me until after my tears ran down my cheeks and hit my chest..and even still...i love you regardless because ill love you forever...bad days included...i just see this as one of our bad days...but im living for myself now...i just hope one day your heart will allow your mind to understand.....
feb 11 2010 was the last time of expression...there have been many many things that have transpired since then...mainly the view of my salon is becoming clearer everyday...stress and issues but so that is life...endless blessings and words of wisdom which i hold in my mind and my heart...as i continue on my journey