Wednesday, May 27, 2009

you cant just like it, you gotta love it

i LOVE what i do. people dont understand it. whenever i meet someone who tells me they want to get into the hair business, im like great. its fun, exciting, no two days are ever the same, but i always finish with-DO YOU LOVE IT? this is not something you can do and be successful at if you dont love it. ive always done hair. always. when i was in fifth grade my mom cut my hair off like halle berry in boomerang. she was like here now you can do your own hair. i was like cool. when i was little all my dolls hair was either cut up or greased down in some sort of style. i would take all the shampoo bottles out the bathroom and shampoo my dolls hair. them girls would be clean, ya hear me? hell after using the whole bottle on one barbie they ought to be. and of course my moms would fuss like crazy but thats just an example of the passion i have for this. i remember getting my hair done when i was in elementary school once. i sat in the salon and watched all the stylists. watched their different styles and techniques. i was in heaven. then one of the stylists took her cape and placed it around her clients neck. i watched as the cape floated down gently on the client and it seemed to be falling in slow motion to me. i was mesmerized by it. i said to myself, self we gotta do that. that shit was too cool for school. but after that i was all over the hair stuff. family, friends, friends of family, nobody was safe as long as they were sitting still. once i graduated high school and went to cosmetology school, thats when i knew this was for me. it was me. i cant tell you how excited i got just learning the ins and outs and different platforms of my craft. shit i still get excited. because i LOVE it. all the hard work, long crazy hours (especially during the holidays), traveling, meeting new people, working for myself, etc..... man i love it. all of it. but it is hard work. you have to pay your dues in this game and thats something you never really stop doing because its always changing. and you gotta be up on it. thats the beauty in it. it keeps you on your toes if youre willing to be serious about it. the possibilities where this industry can take and lead you endless. only thing cant just like it, YOU GOTTA LOVE IT

whats it to you?

why must i always defend myself? it seems that no matter what i do theres always someone somewhere with a million questions. its like they dont see outside their box and expect everyone else to be just as blind to the outside world as them. i love people. especially my people. im in the service industry so i have to love people. i deal too closely with them not to, but there are times when it gets to me. most people dont understand others because of the gaps between them. my lifestyle may not fit yours and vice versa but i dont fault or question you for it. do you. im doing me. as far back as i can remember the path i have chosen has not been one with a trail of fans following behind. i have a game plan. you may not see my playbook but its not for your eyes to criticise. i have many things i want to accomplish in my lifetime. i have many projects in the works as we speak. but these are my projects. sit back, relax, and watch how i do this.

Monday, May 18, 2009

little girl lost

my family is very large. i have 5 brothers and sisters and in birth order im second oldest and oldest girl. this naturally makes me more naturing and motherly then my siblings. my older brother has 4 years on me but to see us interact everyone thinks im the big sister. im very protective of my family. very. i have one sister in perticular who ive always kept in a special place. krystal. sad thing is, for reasons beyond our control, i wasnt able to physically protect her. thats because we havent seen each other in almost 15 years if im counting correctly. the last time i saw her was probably 6 months to a year from the date this photo was taken. ive always wondered where she was. how she was. hell, what she even looked like. if i passed her on the street would i recognize her? would she me? i knew i would. i just never knew when id get the chance to test this theory out. had life been as good to my sister as it had to the rest of us? one in the medical field, two in college, one showing major promise in his young years, and me a successful hairstylist and proud mother of two. so many unanswered questions. at one point in my life i thought about calling into a talk show to find her. all i knew was her mother remarried and moved to germany. my sister in tow. i never talked about this in depth with anyone. all the feelings and emotions i experienced everytime i thought about it. no one would understand. hell they barely get me now. but still she was always there in my heart. always. never once taking away from the love i have for my other siblings just effecting me more. effecting my differently. i prayed many many nights and times for her. not just for her safety or her health, but her return. her return to me and my family. my prayers and those of several of my family members didnt go unanswered. thru several internet sites (thank you on january 1, 2009 my sister called me in response to a message i left on her facebook page. hello, my name is krystal jackson and my father is manuel delano jackson and i believe i am your sister. im the one youre looking heart stopped and i almost hit the floor. tears clouding my vision as i walked out of the room to hear the call better. excuse me but, what did you say? yes she replied and repeated everything with a laugh. a laugh that assured me she was feeling the same as me. FINALLY my sister has come back to me. when she was born i had this wonderful feeling. i cant even describe it. i always wanted a sister and its like i was given a gift. when we lost contact, my gift was taken away from me. i could never nature and care for her let alone develop any type of relationship with her. but when her voice and her words registered in my ears, mind, and heart, that feeling i felt as a little 7 year old girl came rushing back to me. all i could say was thank you Jesus and i love you sweetie. she asked that i would never lose her again and i promise sweetie that is no longer a possibility for us. we speak almost everyday since that phone call and im extremely excited to say shes coming to visit me next weekend. our first meeting in nearly 15 years. i still dont know what im gonna do when i see her but ive taken some days off just to be with her as long as i can. this is a long time coming and im so thankful that it is here and not another 15 years down the road. my dad, my lisa, and 3 of my siblings will be here at my house too so its kinda like a mini family reunion. they live out of state so they have seen her already. im the last but we will have our time together, just me and her. our future started that night in january with one phone call. it erased most of the pain from the past and set a path towards endless possibilities. not just for me and krystal but for the jacksons as a whole. God has truely blessed my family. my little girl is no longer lost


i dont even know you...dont know your name. dont know where you live. dont know the basics like age or if youre even free to explore my possibilities. you are a mystery to me. but i cant shake you. you live in my dreams where you never leave. you walk around my mind all day sooo much im tired of seeing you. but i see you. everyday like its the first time. my body yurns for you. but i dont even know you. a chance meeting left your cologne in my nose. that must be how your soul met mine. sailed on your scent and entranced my spirit telling my soul you were special. making me want you. making me see you. making me feel you. my body yurns for you. but i dont even know you. find me and free me. turn me loose so i can love another. just one taste is all my soul needs. its always the unknown that drives us mad. however i feel i will always hunger for you. why me? why me? have i cursed you too. surely i am not suffering alone. my soul crys silently. will your soul find it and dry these tears? my body yurns for you. but i dont even know you.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

when do you stop loving?

when does your heart come to the conclusion that its all loved out? do you wake up one day and say "okay i think thats enough." or "the meter has reached its limit." i dont think thats how it works at all. not love at least. there are so many different types of loving and with each comes its own degree. recently some people from my past have expressed to me their love. each i understand loves me in their own different way. one i feel is a mutual respect and understanding of how there will always be that one special place in their heart that only i can live in. the other is more on the first ever in my life kinda feel. not the virgin first but the first ever major event in my life and you were the one i shared it with feel. i learned a lot from these men and i do love them both. we dont always agree but i will always and forever have love for them and hold all of our special moments in my heart. im still cool with all my exs unless the communication line gets destroyed. but for the most part if we lose contact its all good in the hood when we do run back into each other. so even though i have those moments when im ready to go for blood in the back of mind theres still love. when you truely love someone it never stops. no matter what kind of love it is or what degree of it. if its LOVE, it never ends. it can change, it can decrease and increase in intensity but it will never end. even after youre dead and gone it will still be there living in the universe carring on your legacy.

love, sex, money...who wants it?

i dont want it. everybody says they do but when they get it can they deal? nope. they neglect it. love isnt just about flowers and candy and baby youre the best. its deeper then that. love is a slow process that taste sweeter then your tongue could ever handle. because the longer you let love marinate the more potent it will become. if the love i get doesnt make me hunger for more..then i dont want it.

i dont want it. if you cant make me see your soul for what it truely is so i can expose mine you...then lets not even go. i dont believe in wasting time. i get paid for mine so it makes me value others even more. if you can't respect that...then i dont want it.

i dont want it. if i have to sell my soul to obtain it then it was never meant to meet my bank account. for some it can be the root to all evil but for me its just another means to an end. the more money i get the more bills i find in my mail box...i dont want it.
i need it. love not just from those im around on a continual basis like my clients, family, friends, or co-workers but from my kids and self. unconditional. good and bad days included. sex because my soul craves to be turned loose sometimes. the freedom only felt in moments of such passion when the world stops. bodies swirl into one. emotions and feelings become images like those you see on your computers media player. money because it opens the door to new possibilities for my children. i want them to have more then i do at my age. do, see, feel, and experience more then i can ever dream in my lifetime. i want for my family the BEST lifestyle i can provide for them. so as you see individually, nope i dont want it. but put all those pieces together and thats what i need. thats what i need...
BANG! BANG! BANG! i must be dreaming, right? no because i hear people yelling. the dogs barking. something must be going on that shouldn't. voices i dont recognize. except one. my step dads. who is he talking to? now they are running past my window. i get up and crawl into my brothers room. corey did you hear that? no! how could you not? i watch enough tv to know that was gun shots. get back to bed are you serious? oh now you just gone roll over and go back to sleep like nothing happened. nigga please. so i go back to my room but something doesnt feel right. i cant take it no more. down the hallway towards the hazy light of the living room. whats that smell? not cigarette but...gun smoke? yeah gun smoke. still in the air. thats the haze burning my eyes. thats the smell in my nose. mumbles. rumbles. all in the back study. voice i know. my step dads. i go to the study and he's limping. and bleeding. oh shit, wheres corey now? whats going on? what happened? this is when all the things i just passed finally register in my young brain. furniture turned over...broken glass...bead curtain all over the floor...bullet holes in the carpet...blood here...blood there. this is bad. real bad. 911 something happened i dont know step dad is scared and now im crying. hang up. hello hello. i must be dreaming because im sure when you call 911 and tell them something is wrong, they're not supposed to hang up on you. 911 help. gun shots. yelling. running. blood. stay calm? im not sure if thats an option right now. go to the door? why? police are here. are you sure? KNOCK! KNOCK! answer the door...its ok im on the line with you and thats the officer i sent to help you. i walk to the door. hand on the nob. HPD open up sweetie its ok now. i open and see flashin lights and hear the sirens loud in my ears. why hadnt i heard them before? here comes corey. nigga i told you something happened. he hugs me as the police search the house and EMTS come through with the meds. call your mom let her know. moms is home. everything disappears when she hugs me. no police. no local news trucks. not even my step dad with his through and through gun shot wound to his leg. everything disappears. everything. its just me in my moms arms. all madness has stopped and the tv show that materialized in my life ended.

now imagine sleeping in your bed to be awaken in such a manner. all at the tender age of 9. this was just one of the nights from my childhood. my step dad didnt ask to get robbed at gun point in his home with the kids in the next room sleep, but who does? just another day in my past. just another day.....

Friday, May 15, 2009

cant sleep..the usual for me. anyone who knows me will tell you thats how i run. stayed home from work today because of a sinus infection and slept for a good part of it. did manage to wake up in time to watch "the game" i love that show. LOVE derwin and malik. watch out're on my radar. i never really sleep though. i hate sleeping alone. no i'm not a slut puppy and sleeping alone doesn't involve sex when i say it. but for me having someone to sleep next to makes me sleep. crazy? who knows but it's how i work. the last time i got a steady night's sleep was when i was with my daughters dad and that was like almost 2 years ago. sad i know but it's the price i pay for not being a slut puppy and for not bringing dudes to my house. i need my private time and space...feel me. most of my sleepless nights i watch boomerang. love that movie. see alot of myself in robin givens character in the movie. boss. nough said on that one. if im not watchin that then i stare at the walls and just think. mostly random thoughts but a lot of soul searching too. probably why i know myself soo well now. i actually get a chance to have my me time and reflect on all the things that happened thus far. maybe my sleeplessness does pay off after all.

body image

growing up in the south i was always surrounded by curvy girls and woman for as far back as i can remember. i was forever the skinny twig. no titties. no hips. no thighs. i got a tattoo once and when the guy started to draw on my leg the bastard told me i needed to eat a couple of hamburgers. bastard, and that was when i was in college. growing up thick was the shit and i wasn't it. however...look how the tables have turned. i'm a grown woman. no longer a girl. grown woman weight on. hips curved just enough. thighs fixed to my small frame. and the booty or donk as everyone seems to point out these days turns more heads then a lil bit. good things really do come to those who wait. my body image is just that. my body. no matter how thin or how curvy i like everyone else should love it. i love it now but i do wish i would have loved it then. then i would have known that all those curvy teens would turn into spongebobs after the first baby. i popped out two beautiful angels and i'm still rockin that thang

minds gone wild

for many many years people have told me "i'm a different kinda girl." it wasnt until VERY VERY recently that i understood what that truely means. i have experienced many different things in my short life span (i'm only 26) yes just a baby. but my mind has been part of this whole "different" theory. yes i'm the girl who always played with the boys thanks to my older brother. so thats were this whole thing started but im glad and thankful. i LOVE me. i didnt always because i didnt know me. nobody did. i cant be labeled by anyone because i'm not a label. what i am and who i am is far too glorious to be contained or defined. thank God for me because i know i am a blessings to any and everyone i come in contact with. as they are to me. this new sense of realization is just the begining. stay tuned people...