Thursday, December 17, 2009
misunderstood...thats what i feel...theres a huge difference between the two...change and growth that is...one can have both but most only have one...i feel that now i have both...people will say "damn, you changed" which is a negative observation or they will say "you sure have grown" which is a positive observation...unfortunately everyone will not understand the difference...i am changing because i am growing and that is making me a BETTER person...understand the power of the difference and embrace me for who i am...the same person only BETTER...love me no less...love me no different...just love me for who i am
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
my first best friend was my grandmother...my mothers mother...edith marie...when i was little i would spend at least a full week with her in the summer time but several weekends were a given...she told me about the world...past...present...and what she saw of the future...her ideals and views werent always conventional but i hung on her every word...she was the first person i could talk to...at times the only person...she never made me feel inadequate or silly for thinking one way or another...she explained...listened...shared...and listened some more...she understood me when i didnt even understand myself...she was a gift...she was love...and she is missed...i didnt really understand the impact she had on my life until she died...it was the first summer i didnt go to visit her...i had just graduated from high school and decided to stay home to work thru the summer before i started cosmetology school in the fall...i graduated in may to warm words of praise and congrats from her only to be followed by a phone call of her death from my uncle in july...the one summer i didnt go spend time with her...to busy being a teenager hanging with my friends...didnt even believe the phone call and went bowling to get out of the house...the one summer i regret...once reality set in and we went back home to kansas for her funeral the emotions came over...i remember getting to her house and seeing her chair she always sat in...empty of her presence forever...looking at her bulletin board and seeing in her handwriting my graduation date and the date i was to start cosmetology school...there for everyone to see...just how proud she was of me and my accomplishment...i graduated high school at sixteen...my gift was gone...i was there in her home and could feel her could even smell her on her favorite blanket in her chair....but she was still gone...i remember the anxiety i felt in the car ride over to the funeral home for the "family viewing"...we walked in and were lead to the room where she was...my brother corey and i walked up...looked in...and turned around..."thats not her, how they bring us in the wrong room?"...bastards i thought to myself so i took off and went searching the other rooms for my grandmother...corey searched a little too but it was when i heard some faint crying that i stopped and came back into the room...my mother standing at her mothers casket crying "thats her, thats my mother" she said softly as we walked up next to her...then my tears came and the blur of the weekend...the reality of my grandmothers permanent absence from that point on...the first best friend i ever had was gone...my gift...my love...gone...it still hurts but i will always cherish her for everything she put into and showed me...one day i will see her again...and i will feel her warm embrace again...hear her words of encouragement...i still she her and talk with her in my dreams...she always knows when to come to me...when i need her the most...thats why shes my best friend..my gift...my love.....EDITH MARIE i love you grandma
these past few weeks have been kinda hard for me emotionally...i know i can be sensitive at times but those are my personal times that i keep to myself...i dont like for people to see me cry...i feel its a sign of weakness and ive always been the one in my family that kept it together when the shit hit the fan...im not a panicer or someone who freaks out...things my mother and her mother taught me at an early age..."be strong" they would say..."keep it together sweetie"...or "the women are the heartbeat of the family" meaning never let them (your family) see you beating at a weak pace because then they themselves may lose hope and give up or give in...ive never seen my grandmother cry and she was a revolutionary in her own right...coming from the civil rights era she taught me about the "white man" and the "cracker"...introduced to me a love of black exploitation movies like "Cleopatra Jones" and "Coffy"...stories of strong black woman who stood up and fought for what they believed in...and for my mother...ive only seen her cry twice...once when i was little and we got evicted and the other when she saw her mother laying in her soft purple colored casket for the first time...even then her tears didnt last long but i know she had her moment in private when she let her emotions get the best of her...so with all this i had no choice but to keep my emotions to my self...it upsets me more to share those sad emotions with an audience then to spill open my heart to a presence that knows exactly where the emotion is coming from...which is deep inside my soul
Monday, December 7, 2009
why do you see me when no one else can? clearly without explanation of myself...scares me but true...no one and i mean no one listens...understands...moves...inspires...or SEES me like you do...and i take that as love and i appreciate how you love me...no one loves me more unconventional...special...honestly...or true....you will always live in my heart and i love you for that in return...no one sees me like you do...and no one loves me like you do...