Thursday, July 30, 2009

whos loving you?

there was a time when i forgot to love. myself that is. i was sooo consumed with everything else that i neglected the most important being to me. my spirit. she was hurt, torn, confused and abused. i was in a very complicated situation that of course ended with alot of life changing events, but it was thru that situation i was able to see myself. see what was missing and why i was hurting. i became everything to everybody and it seemed to happen over night. i was a business woman by day and a mother and lover by night. loved the children, cleaned the house, did the laundry, cooked the meals, did the shopping(mind you most of this was for two households,) arranged weekend events (if any), became someones fantasy, paid the bills, went to work, ran two businesses, dealt with some crazy ass employees, dealt with unhappy clients because of the crazy ass employees, etc.... etc. motherfucking etc. now this doesnt seem like too much to some. i know plenty of women who deal with more but the difference between me and them is at that time i was soo busy loving everybody around me. being soo many different things to so many people and not having anyone be even a 1/3 of any of those things to me. inside i was alone and empty. and no one knew. had my game face on. hell where would my kids have been if i didnt? do you know what it feels like to realize that you have wants, you have needs, and theres no one who can take care of it for you? to love a man sooo much that it physically pains you because he doesnt love you back. i mean to actually feel your heart breaking inside your body as your spirit whithers away. to be slapped in the face one day by reality and finally see your situation clearly and know that you are getting fucked over. not a good feeling because thats when you realize that if you would have loved yourself continually you wouldnt even be in this emotional bottomless pit. i thought that if the kids were happy thats all that mattered, when in actuality the happier i was the better off the kids would be. so among other things, i started to love myself again. started talking to myself in positive ways. i became my own cheerleader. learned bridgette all over again. what does she like, what does she want, need, what will make her a better person. i discovered myself and was reborn anew. thank god for that heartbreak because without it who knows where id be or what i would have become. i was angry after the realization of course. mostly because i thought i was smarter and stronger then all of that. i mean who forgets to love themselves? but people never seem to amaze me and neither do i. but its all good, now. im at the top of my list where i belong and im on a mission. im smarter, stronger, and ready for whatever the universe has in store for me. i love with an unmeasurable force, ask anyone whos been blessed enough to experience it and they will agree. just imagine how good i feel, now that im loving me....

just be

why is it so hard to just be? to not want or need. to not care or feel. to just be peacefully living in your own existence. not bothering no one. surrounded by your own thoughts and not those that society or the world tries to force upon you. just you and whatever you think. whatever you make into your reality at that moment. whatever. everyone else thinks they know whats best for you. only you know whats best for you, and most of the time, the best thing for you is you. you when you just be. when you dont try to fit the mold, dont try to make everyone else happy, dont try to live up to some unreasonable standard. dont you see, when you stop trying, thats when you can finally be. just be. i spent many years living in my box. closed off from the world because everytime i tried to be i ended up being something that i wasnt. which in turn left me unfulfilled, mean, and unhappy with myself and the world. then one day i woke my ass up and said enough. who gives a flying fuck what the world thinks of me. all that matters is what i think. i dont want to fit into anybodies mold, i just want to be. i just want to be me. and thats all i want or need. thats all i care about and thats all i feel from that moment. im living and existing and im able to be....whatever whenever and now im finally happy.

Monday, July 20, 2009


i dont eat a lot of sweets but the later i stay up at night, the sweeter my cravings get. ice cream, cookies, sandwhiches, chocolate. shit anything that aint tied down really is suspect to "get in my belly." but crazy thing is, sometimes the food tastes better at 2:37 in the morning. so as long as im up, its on. watch out kitchen, mommas on the prowl.


where we go again. another night with me watching the wall. quietly singing to myself. singing out all my thoughts to release them from my mind and free my spirit so she can rest. and so i can be at peace with myself and the world. my thought process is extremely different then most that sometimes i find myself enslaved by it. i zone out and get lost so i sing to come back to the world and free my mind. but tonight its not just that. tonight i have so many thoughts, my head is clouded and its all a blur. meaning my songs have no words. just notes which makes me hum more then sing. nerve settling all the same but takes a lil more time to clear out the mind. comes out kinda jazzy more so then a ballad but still music from my soul. most people dont even know that i sing. my joy. i passed that joy to my children. my son tries but his notes arent always there. still music to my ears though. but my daughter goes note for note when shes not being silly. i was the same way coming up only i kept it to myself. my daughter doesnt posses those fears i did, she puts on a show. i admire that fearlessness and fire in her. i admire my sons willingness to try also, regardless of the expected outcome. but im a singer. emotionally and nervously because it brightens my spirit and calms my soul.

close your eyes...

come away with a place where time does not there wont be any interruptions...and no unspoken need to hurry off somewhere else..where no one knows your name because the only people allowed there are you and there are no distractions...only thoughts...only us...and whatever we we dont have to be physical to connect...we just have to be...we float aimlessly in space and get lost in each other...thoughts become dreams...dreams become our world we live for these dreams...and when we experience them all is perfect...all is beautiful...all is us...a place where touching is not only done with hands..but with one glance speaks, connects, feels and reveals everything thats wanted...everything thats neglected...and everything thats needed..feeding off each others energy leaves our bodies motionless...all is still...desires fill the air and gently fall upon us...soft kisses tease and please...taking away all the complexities of the outside is where we is in each others arms...between gentle back strokes done by finger tips...and lips upon the nape of the neck...where a soft kiss...placed equivalent to a passionate unclothed embrace...this is our come away with me...where time does not exist and all is perfect...all is beautiful...all is us

Thursday, July 16, 2009

the littlest of sisters

youre not my child yet i love you just the same. always wanting to keep you protected from harm. from the world. wanting to live out all your failures and shortcoming so you wont have to bare the pain. so youll always be strong and unbruised. id lock you in my closet everytime danger neared you. id face the devil toe to toe to keep you from his wrath. anything and everything i could possibly do, that would protect you, i would. hands down no questions asked. walk you through the world with my hands covering your eyes whenever negativity tired to cloud your mind. you and me we are one in the same. why would i not shield you from all pain. no matter how old we get or how grown you think you are, you are my brat and ill love you whether youre near or far. but i cant do all these things that i want to for you. what lesson, life offers, will you gain? how strong will you be if i fight all your battles? i cant live your life for you, i can only watch. watch you grow and learn. stumble and fall. pick yourself up and stand tall. deal with every situation while i stand guard beside you. quietly guide you, because no matter what i tell you, some things you have to experience to understand. thats where i hurt. to see your paths end and what you must go through.....and not live it for you. but i will always be there to hold your hand or lend an ear. for you live in my heart and your song forever plays there....

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

positive mind = free soul

think about that for a free do you really feel when you let go and allow positive energy into your mind. nothing and no one bothers you and everything works out the way you want and the way it is intended. be positive wrap that around your brain, soak it in, accept it, apply it and see what happens in your life. be blessed beautiful ones


im at one of the highest points in my life right now. things are great and i can only go up from here. but sometimes, even still, in all of this i get lonely. feeling as though im all alone, even in a crowded room. as if there is no one who can connect with me. no one to understand. crazy huh? shit happens and no matter where you are in your journey, no matter how many people you surround yourself with, shit happens. what actually i dont know. but it does and there i am consumed with loneliness. just me in my own little world. sometimes it just be like that. sometimes...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

when i was younger i had a boyfriend who went to jail. i loooved me some of him. he was good to me too. we wrote back and forth, i still have some of those letters with the artwork all over the envelope and pages. i would go see him every sunday, like clockwork, downtown at county. we would have our visitation, you know talk and laugh and stuff, and then i would go about my day. yeah i was a jailhouse girlfriend back in the day. but all those times i never cried. not even once. i knew hed be alright and once he came home we would pick up where we left off. long story short, when he did finally come home (almost 3 years later),i was too different a person to be with him. id grown too much and wanted way more then what he was comfortable with. and the fact that he was still hanging around the people who got him locked up in the first place didnt help either. but nevertheless it was an experience for me. one i thought i wouldnt have to revisit in any shape or form. earlier this year, my little cousin got into some trouble and now hes in jail. we all thought hed be home by now but he isnt. i know hes gonna be fine but you still dont want to see your loved one in that kind of situation. ive always looked after him like a little brother more then a cousin because we all grew up sooo close, which is why i wouldnt go see him. everytime i thought about him, like that, my heart hurt. so i never thought about it. only talked about it when i had to with my family. i consoled them when needed and i was strong for them always. he asked his mother why i hadnt been to see him once. my reply "because i cant see him like that." he said he respected my decision but i knew he wished i would come. a few more months went by and finally he told his mother he wanted me and his older sister to come because he was tired of seeing her face. so i gave in, and i went to see him. and i was cool too. right up until the point where i actually saw his face, on the monitor holding a phone to his ear. i crumbled. cried like a baby, the whole time my heart in pain. all i could say was i was sorry and i love you. i knew the last thing he needed was to see ME cry but the emotion took over. up until that moment i hadnt dealt with it. i didnt let it effect me until finally it burst from my body. even though hes a 20year old man i still see him as this big headed little 10 year old. my bigheaded little fool ready at the drop of a hat to do whatever i needed of him. and it made my heart hurt. because i cant do anything he needs me to. i cant help me out of this situation and take him home. i ended up crying all day after i left him. everytime i thought of him, the tears came rolling. followed by a drink to help my nerves. i dont cry often so when the tears do come, it turns into a major production. all the pinned up emotion that screams to get out always finds a way. had my eyes soo low you would of thought i was smoking that good stuff. it just amazed me though. i thought i loooved me some of the boyfriend back in the day, but truth is theres nothing like family. they prove to be worthy of my tears. tears that encompass that which is beyond emotion and feeling beyond even words. my little big headed fool. im praying for you and i love you. continue to be strong and you will be home soon. i got a stupid hug for you when you do come home too. and that time youll be able to wipe my tears for me. i love you damar