Thursday, July 30, 2009

whos loving you?

there was a time when i forgot to love. myself that is. i was sooo consumed with everything else that i neglected the most important being to me. my spirit. she was hurt, torn, confused and abused. i was in a very complicated situation that of course ended with alot of life changing events, but it was thru that situation i was able to see myself. see what was missing and why i was hurting. i became everything to everybody and it seemed to happen over night. i was a business woman by day and a mother and lover by night. loved the children, cleaned the house, did the laundry, cooked the meals, did the shopping(mind you most of this was for two households,) arranged weekend events (if any), became someones fantasy, paid the bills, went to work, ran two businesses, dealt with some crazy ass employees, dealt with unhappy clients because of the crazy ass employees, etc.... etc. motherfucking etc. now this doesnt seem like too much to some. i know plenty of women who deal with more but the difference between me and them is at that time i was soo busy loving everybody around me. being soo many different things to so many people and not having anyone be even a 1/3 of any of those things to me. inside i was alone and empty. and no one knew. had my game face on. hell where would my kids have been if i didnt? do you know what it feels like to realize that you have wants, you have needs, and theres no one who can take care of it for you? to love a man sooo much that it physically pains you because he doesnt love you back. i mean to actually feel your heart breaking inside your body as your spirit whithers away. to be slapped in the face one day by reality and finally see your situation clearly and know that you are getting fucked over. not a good feeling because thats when you realize that if you would have loved yourself continually you wouldnt even be in this emotional bottomless pit. i thought that if the kids were happy thats all that mattered, when in actuality the happier i was the better off the kids would be. so among other things, i started to love myself again. started talking to myself in positive ways. i became my own cheerleader. learned bridgette all over again. what does she like, what does she want, need, what will make her a better person. i discovered myself and was reborn anew. thank god for that heartbreak because without it who knows where id be or what i would have become. i was angry after the realization of course. mostly because i thought i was smarter and stronger then all of that. i mean who forgets to love themselves? but people never seem to amaze me and neither do i. but its all good, now. im at the top of my list where i belong and im on a mission. im smarter, stronger, and ready for whatever the universe has in store for me. i love with an unmeasurable force, ask anyone whos been blessed enough to experience it and they will agree. just imagine how good i feel, now that im loving me....

No comments:

Post a Comment