Wednesday, July 8, 2009

when i was younger i had a boyfriend who went to jail. i loooved me some of him. he was good to me too. we wrote back and forth, i still have some of those letters with the artwork all over the envelope and pages. i would go see him every sunday, like clockwork, downtown at county. we would have our visitation, you know talk and laugh and stuff, and then i would go about my day. yeah i was a jailhouse girlfriend back in the day. but all those times i never cried. not even once. i knew hed be alright and once he came home we would pick up where we left off. long story short, when he did finally come home (almost 3 years later),i was too different a person to be with him. id grown too much and wanted way more then what he was comfortable with. and the fact that he was still hanging around the people who got him locked up in the first place didnt help either. but nevertheless it was an experience for me. one i thought i wouldnt have to revisit in any shape or form. earlier this year, my little cousin got into some trouble and now hes in jail. we all thought hed be home by now but he isnt. i know hes gonna be fine but you still dont want to see your loved one in that kind of situation. ive always looked after him like a little brother more then a cousin because we all grew up sooo close, which is why i wouldnt go see him. everytime i thought about him, like that, my heart hurt. so i never thought about it. only talked about it when i had to with my family. i consoled them when needed and i was strong for them always. he asked his mother why i hadnt been to see him once. my reply "because i cant see him like that." he said he respected my decision but i knew he wished i would come. a few more months went by and finally he told his mother he wanted me and his older sister to come because he was tired of seeing her face. so i gave in, and i went to see him. and i was cool too. right up until the point where i actually saw his face, on the monitor holding a phone to his ear. i crumbled. cried like a baby, the whole time my heart in pain. all i could say was i was sorry and i love you. i knew the last thing he needed was to see ME cry but the emotion took over. up until that moment i hadnt dealt with it. i didnt let it effect me until finally it burst from my body. even though hes a 20year old man i still see him as this big headed little 10 year old. my bigheaded little fool ready at the drop of a hat to do whatever i needed of him. and it made my heart hurt. because i cant do anything he needs me to. i cant help me out of this situation and take him home. i ended up crying all day after i left him. everytime i thought of him, the tears came rolling. followed by a drink to help my nerves. i dont cry often so when the tears do come, it turns into a major production. all the pinned up emotion that screams to get out always finds a way. had my eyes soo low you would of thought i was smoking that good stuff. it just amazed me though. i thought i loooved me some of the boyfriend back in the day, but truth is theres nothing like family. they prove to be worthy of my tears. tears that encompass that which is beyond emotion and feeling beyond even words. my little big headed fool. im praying for you and i love you. continue to be strong and you will be home soon. i got a stupid hug for you when you do come home too. and that time youll be able to wipe my tears for me. i love you damar

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