why is it that other peoples children work the shit out of your nerves but your kids are angels? ive been surrounded by other peoples kids for like 2 weeks and im ready to scream. my kids are young but they know when enough is enough. its gonna be a long summer.

so ive been running nonstop now for a couple of months. sleep never came easy but now its almost a memory. unless im standing still and then i fall over snoring. yes woman snore. im more of a heavy breather but its still a form of snoring to me. ive been so busy lately that i havent had a lot of chill time with my folks. they dont understand it. my plan. i was at a show last year and i met a hairstylist who had been in the industry for over 50 years. now i love what i do but i dont want to be standing behind the chair for 50 years. thats a long time and im surprised she didnt get burned out. she obviously loves what she does. i do too but that conversation made me realize that it was time for me to start branching out. i had some what limited myself to the salon. just me and my clients. tuesday thru saturday work all day and all night. get off saturday and sit at my folks house with the kids then go home. sunday be in church all day ( i sang in the choir too) and then go home. monday run my errands and clean my house. tuesday start the cycle all over again. that was my life. and it was becoming boring. i hadnt lived up to my professional potential. at least thats how i was begining to feel. i had so many ideas and dreams i wanted to fulfill but they were locked in my mind. so i started to think outside the box. i started studying more and practicing more. i tried new things. i joined a styling team which allowed me to meet other stylists and learn from them. i traveled more, all over the country, which showed me different styling techniques outside of my own. i networked and came out of my shell. got involved with doing makeup and learning more about new fashion trends (not just the stuff i liked but the stuff the world liked) and it made me see my job and my life with new eyes. all those ideas and dreams that were locked down are no longer trapped and collecting dust. everyday new doors open for me and wonderful opportunities present themselves and im falling in love with my industry all over again. everyday i see myself growing professionally and all my ideas and dreams are slowly changing.....into my reality. and i love it! so yeah im on my tunnel vision. i got things im getting done and im setting up and im busy professionally but its all with the bigger picture in mind. even if no one else sees it, they will one day. just as clear as i do now.

and what do you do?.......

you know me and i know you...deeper then most will ever get the chance to...and it scares me...our connection is not that of friends or lovers...but a mix of the two...i allow you to see me...in all my splendor, vulnerability and complexity...watch as the shadows dance over and around my silhouette in the darkness...your hands float along every curve of my body...you gaze upon me...and i am entranced...your spell is cast...and what do you do?....you hold me...you listen...you share...you see...you understand me...and it scares me...you get in an instant what i want...to be seen and understood...to be me...unapologetic and fearlessly...and it scares me...you hold me as no man has ever done...differently...gently...perfectly...and in that moment...i am whole...and what do you do?...nothing...no stupid comment to kill the mood...no awkward silence waiting for my next move...you...just...hold me...you listen...you share...you see...you understand me...and it scares me...to know me so well...so quickly...proves my soul speaks to you...proves more then an animalistic attraction exists...proves our inner beings long for one in the same...you have this knowledge...and so do i...and what do you do?...you hold me...you listen...you share...you see...you understand me...and it scares me

unloveable

at one point in my life i seriously believed that i was unloveable. that i would never ever find a man to love me. i mean truly love me for all that i am worth. i know im a handful and not every man can handle, let alone deal with, someone like myself. ive had men come in and out of my life, but i never really felt like they loved ME. maybe they loved what i stood for in their minds. i dont know. i just felt like i would always be alone. and i was okay with that. after my kids were born i was like, hey now i got company for at least another 18 years but it wasnt the same. i guess that secret mentality kept me content in a way. i was never the girl coming up who had to have a boyfriend or whatever. if i was involved with someone then i was and if i had no one calling my phone or looking for me with a flashlight in the daytime, then i was perfectly fine with that also. probably another reason why i didnt really take guys seriously when we were together. kinda like it made me feel that this too will come to an end, just dont know when. and after i finally tried at some serious relationships that ended in what i thought was considered a personal failure, the whole unloveable idea almost seemed gospel to me. crazy thing is, when you believe in something (no matter what it is) it becomes your reality. the stronger your belief in it, the more your mind makes it real...to you. but the more i matured and became comfortable with myself and in my own skin, the crazier the whole unloveable thing became to me. makes me laugh at how funny it actually sounds to say and hear it, and not just think it. i mean who wouldnt love me? im strong, independent, loving, caring, and all those other adjectives people use to describe others with affection and sooo much more. i hold down my own business, my own finances(no handouts here), take damn good care of my kids (single parent of the year thank you once again), i run my own household, and when im with someone, i know how to make them feel like we are the only two people who exist in the universe. oh yes, every aspect of my love goes that deep and further. because i love with every fiber of my being. wrap your mind around that concept for a minute and youll start to understand where im coming from. who wouldnt want that in their life? i see that as a pure blessing. unloveable? i can only speak for myself and that is a thought i no longer allow to have control in my mind.

how to: love me (the men's edition)

im not someone who can be easily loved. sounds crazy? its true, im not. mainly because when i love, there are no words to describe it. for me or for him. but when it happens, something changes. inside me. i become better. i become real and weird things happen. i open up and he sees bridgette for the first time. i touch and allow myself to be touched. i take interest, and i mean a real concern, in every aspect of his life. because it makes him happy, i get joy in his happiness. im no longer tough and argumentive always proving my point by getting the last word. i dont rush around and occupy my time with things that can be handled at a later date. i dont take everything he says or does at face value silently waiting for the bottom of our situation to fall out. i take my time with him and love him. do my best to fulfill his dreams, wishes, and desires. i listen and be his friend as well as his lover. i feel his highs and lows. let him have a bad day without complicating his mind or feelings because sometimes you just need to live through it without someone on your ass about it. some things you gotta work out by yourself. i give and respect that need of space. i share not just my life but my world with him. giving him access to every part of me. every single little thing that makes bridgette bridgette, hes able to see. my mind, in all of its complexities, he is given the privilege to desyfer and understand. he is given the right to my body. to respect, cherise, nurture, and yes.....explore her. my spirit and soul are allowed to intertwine with his and everything else that dwells within that mans being. i see both sides to every situation and issue, not letting my love cloud my judgement, but by allowing it to direct my man to the right path. i lead when im needed, never belittling or taking away from his manhood. and follow eagerly letting him know hes needed in my life because i dont know everything about everything. and because as strong as i am, i cant do everything by myself. somethings are better with two. the role i play is a complicated one. but when i love, i play it so well that youd swear ive been in love my whole life because it comes that natural to me. when im in love. for a man to reep these benifits and much, much more, he has to be able to do all the same. which for most men is hard. i do everything in my life with a purpose. i put out positive to recieve positive. i would never do anything to someone that i didnt expect in return. good or bad. i try to be aware of everyones feelings, not just my own. which is why i love this way. i need to be loved the same. problem is...most men dont understand my logic so they end up missing their blessing in me. which most often, is just that......ME

the last dragon

have you ever seen something that was sooo pleasing to your eyes that it made you feel like they were just blessed? i saw something that was so beautiful to me it shocked me. you can find beauty anywhere and in any thing, but this was something that i dont usually find beautiful. nice, cool, but never beautiful. it wasnt like i even stared at it for hours on hours, it was all of maybe a minute. you know when something catches your eye and then you move around? yeah like that. but when my eyes saw it, i heard a song in my head. ever see that movie the last dragon? at the end when leroy finds his strength and understands his power he starts to glow and then you hear "you are the last the dragon, you posses the power....." well thats what i heard and get this. the thing almost glowed to me. i know, too many movies and too many drinks. but hey, thats me.....

you're real

i have my krystal. she was able to make it out and we spent the weekend with our family. the time i enjoyed the most was when she came to the salon and we had our alone time if you would. i looked at her and she was 4 years old again and i was her big sister. eager to show her anything and take care of her not matter what happened. when we were little i would spend the summers in kansas with my dad and other relatives. i remember getting off the plane and there she would be, excitement jumping off her little body. she would squeeze me sooo tight when she hugged it always amazed me. i could not only see her love for me but i felt it. when i first saw after all those years, that same feeling i used to get when i got the plane came right back. and hugged her just as tight, just as long, and countless times. remember the movie the color purple? when celie and her sister were reunited after like 50 years or something? yeah, it was like that for me. only better. real. its funny because everytime she got me alone, she hugged me. just like when she was little. she always did that. hug me for no reason and it always made my heart smile. she is just like i remember in some many ways yet i see the woman she is becoming. our family kept telling me how much she was like me. even my friends and co-workers saw it when she was here. when i look at her, it amazes me how much we have in common. body language, certain pharses when we speak, and even how we handle people at times. all those years apart with not physical contact or any form of communication, and my little sister whos face shares some of my characteristics, is just like me. amazing. she said to me "youre real" many times when she looked at me. almost like i had stepped out of a dream and was now in her reality. yes, im real and her dreams are now over because her reality from this point on will forever include me. forever......