Friday, June 5, 2009
at one point in my life i seriously believed that i was unloveable. that i would never ever find a man to love me. i mean truly love me for all that i am worth. i know im a handful and not every man can handle, let alone deal with, someone like myself. ive had men come in and out of my life, but i never really felt like they loved ME. maybe they loved what i stood for in their minds. i dont know. i just felt like i would always be alone. and i was okay with that. after my kids were born i was like, hey now i got company for at least another 18 years but it wasnt the same. i guess that secret mentality kept me content in a way. i was never the girl coming up who had to have a boyfriend or whatever. if i was involved with someone then i was and if i had no one calling my phone or looking for me with a flashlight in the daytime, then i was perfectly fine with that also. probably another reason why i didnt really take guys seriously when we were together. kinda like it made me feel that this too will come to an end, just dont know when. and after i finally tried at some serious relationships that ended in what i thought was considered a personal failure, the whole unloveable idea almost seemed gospel to me. crazy thing is, when you believe in something (no matter what it is) it becomes your reality. the stronger your belief in it, the more your mind makes it real...to you. but the more i matured and became comfortable with myself and in my own skin, the crazier the whole unloveable thing became to me. makes me laugh at how funny it actually sounds to say and hear it, and not just think it. i mean who wouldnt love me? im strong, independent, loving, caring, and all those other adjectives people use to describe others with affection and sooo much more. i hold down my own business, my own finances(no handouts here), take damn good care of my kids (single parent of the year thank you once again), i run my own household, and when im with someone, i know how to make them feel like we are the only two people who exist in the universe. oh yes, every aspect of my love goes that deep and further. because i love with every fiber of my being. wrap your mind around that concept for a minute and youll start to understand where im coming from. who wouldnt want that in their life? i see that as a pure blessing. unloveable? i can only speak for myself and that is a thought i no longer allow to have control in my mind.