Couldn't really sleep last night. Just had one thought that opened another that opened another that opened another. I keep finding myself with this unyielding notion that the art of free thinking is dying. From young to old minds are closing off to the independence ones own thoughts brings. It saddens me because the more vast my thoughts become, the more I am finding myself alone.

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The Fog (mindstate)

Sleepless nights and dragging days...waiting for the world to change...the complexity of understanding...still a thousand lightyears away...peace in solitude my soul seeks to find...brings clarity to my clouded mind...

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:)

To say I am addicted is clearly an under statement

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jingle bells, jingle balls

Its that crazy holiday season again. I don't know why but I'm just not really feeling the christmas spirit. Life is good and I have no real serious complaints so I can't understand this fog. Maybe I'm not ready to say goodbye to 2010 hell I don't know but its something...

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I think I got it

Did you miss me? After days of trying and cussing my phone out I think I finally installed this blogger stuff right....wish me luck

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only when im lonely

thoughts cloud my judgement as days run into weeks....you control every emotion with just one word....my joy and sorrow lays within your tongue....a drug you are....but only when im lonely...the need you bring into my spirit turns into a void once time begins to stretch....expanding into the depths of my soul.....so now and again i am lonely...you are always needed please dont misunderstand....but when iam left alone there is no one there to comfort....only my thoughts and memories of you....my company of joy which turns into sorrow...but ill live for our time together again....when we can be reunited....because missing you kills me....but only when im lonely

friends

how many of us have them? funny question but a sad one as well. yesterday a homeboy asked me if i had any friends during a convo and i honestly couldnt think of any. im solo dolo. the few people i had called my friends i cant really say that anymore i guess. so much space in such a short period of time has grown between us. its funny how a misunderstanding can expose someone inner being. im no angel myself but iam someone who never forgets. and once ive been wronged or hurt, its not easy for me to turn around and act like nothing ever happen. like i said i can forgive but i cant forget. i wont make you relive it cuz i dont want to live the pain but dont be surprised if our interaction is different from that point on. with that said i must admitt i do miss some of the things we used to do together but i honestly feel that chapter of my life is over. even if the memories there are some really good ones, its time to move on......with or without you

you

i dreamed you last night...a wonderful dream...a perfect dream...and in it...there was just...you and me...no one else...thats probably why i loved it...cuz i miss you

balance

my life is starting to slip from my hands it seems . i cant get a grip on my balance and i hate the feeling. my peace is limited making me unsure of everything. causing me to second guess the person i know and trust the most...myself.

focus

nothing worth having is ever easily gained. patience is truely a virtue in my world right now. the closer i get to my dreams it seems like the weaker my patience gets. and the more others test my faith. and underestimate me. the doubt bothers at first but then fans my flame. so i guess thank you in a way. thanks for shaking my stage, it only makes me hold my ground stronger and stand a lil taller. focus....im in the zone

and so today....

i lost my voice and my peace...only for a moment...but it seemed like forever...FOREVER........the last few weeks are starting to take a toll on me...and so today...i broke down...the emotion and the gravity of the situation finally caught up to me and i broke down...ashamed at the audience i shared it with i could no longer suppress it...and something in me was glad to unload the baggage but still i was ashamed...i push and i work my ass off everyday for my kids...my family,,,and my loved ones...and once everyones needs and wants are met THEN i see about my needs and wants...i always put everyone before myself because i drive some of my happiness from their happiness...its intoxicating at times to feed off the positive energy and emotions of your loved ones...at least for me it is...however who is really there for me to do the same...the con of being strong and independent...there is no one there to do that for me...a fact that becomes blatantly evident everytime i do something for myself..i love and support all the dreams and projects people do...i may not agree all the time with the method of action but if the bigger picture makes sense i got you...positive blessings to you...this is not always the reaction i get in return...which is were the pain collects....settles...and clouds my heart weighing down my spirit...it never fails....the ones you love the most are at times the ones who break you...hurt you...quick to say how much they only want the best for you and how much they love you....if you really loved me youd let me go...youd see that i need to spread my wings in order to progress into the next chapter of my life...if you really loved me youd support me even if losing me hurts you...youd let me shine in my own light away from yours and your shadow...you would be my friend...im really just tired of the fact the people whos opinions matter the most to me cant support me and be there for me when i need them...i do sooo much for others and when i finally do for myself....those same people arent there for me...it seems like every life changing event there was some "special" person in my life who i loved and cared for...that didnt support me and that hurts...here i am once again some life altering event of epic proportions and the only person whos support i knew i had and needed bailed on me...and everyday the realization of that loss becomes clearer...and again i hurt...i know im walking into my destiny so that persons choice wont take me off my path....but it still hurts...it still effects and weighs on my spirit...and so i broke down today...after months of build up and pain suppression...the human in me was victim to her emotions...im not superwoman but crying is not something i do often...which is were the shame found me....i know what im doing is right...i can see every move before i make it and i know GOD is directing me so im not worried or scared...its the process of it that gets me so im just trying to soak in all GOD is showing and teaching me right now...but it does help to hear your thoughts confirmed every now and again...its just like hearing someone say 'i love you"...you already know it but it just feels good to hear them say it...just like "window seat" by erykah badu....."i need someone to clap for me"....that song never made more sense to me until after my tears ran down my cheeks and hit my chest..and even still...i love you regardless because ill love you forever...bad days included...i just see this as one of our bad days...but im living for myself now...i just hope one day your heart will allow your mind to understand.....

long time coming...

feb 11 2010 was the last time of expression...there have been many many things that have transpired since then...mainly the view of my salon is becoming clearer everyday...stress and issues but so that is life...endless blessings and words of wisdom which i hold in my mind and my heart...as i continue on my journey

"my eyes to my thoughts"

my eyes to my thoughts...clarity echos...each time proving an unspoken point...i know you...as you know me...i feel you as you feel me...why should i ask what i already know?...self gratification is not needed when the answer never leaves me...if ever it should...even for a spilt second...all i have to do is look into your eyes...allow your truth and honesty to consume me...and clarity echos...emotion is felt...pure emotion is transferred and that never lies...

and the tears fall down

and the tears fall down because...you were here and now youre gone...yet i still feel you as if youve never left...in every sense of the word...i feel you as if youve never left...why?...what was so different this time around?...what did you do to me?...reflection brings awakening which brings realization...brings emotions...brings liberation...a running theme of life being experienced...you are...you are...and the tears fall down...to symbolize an unexplainable connection...of a higher understanding of ones presence and being...or their absence there after...but please dont mistake my tears for sadness sorrow or regret...for they are simply the release of emotions never felt...acceptance of love in many forms i never thought i could feel...ever...and the tears fall down cleansing my soul...freeing my body...and destroying my walls...drowning my essence with love...in love...our love

who loves you more then me?

team of me...truer words were never spoken...everybody loves you when youre on top but whos there at the bottom...no one...except me...who feeds your ego like i do?...no one...but me...who knows every little secret hiding place...where your laughs and smiles dwell...no one...who calms your nerves by singing the right songs...bringing you out of the world were red dominates your sight...me thats who...and when your thoughts are too much for anyone to comprehend...guess whos there to clarify every notion to the end...knows all the answers to all your questions...every riddle every rhyme...once again its me...as always...the one whos never made you feel the least bit inadequate...its me...so you can stop your searching...you wont find love like this anywhere else...because thats not where i exist...i am inside your spirit where ive always been...where ill always stay...no need to look outward anymore...just look within...thats where ive always been...who loves you more then me?...no one...because no one can love me better then i can

the box opened

you are my box opened...the world thru new eyes...the freeing of sensibility...and the sweet relief of liberation...a balance of dreams and reality...with higher vibrations of understanding...you released me from the fear of who i am and blessed me with a gift...the gift of life and the freedom to live it...thank you...my box is now open never to be closed again

the love of my life (1/2)

i woke up before my kids this morning (sunday thing no matter how exhausted i am i always do it on sundays)...but today is special...my son Bryce is 5years old today...so im sitting up in bed planning his day as i watch him sleep...my boo growing up before my eyes...hes such a beautiful spirit and a loving a child...i watch how he takes care of his 2year old sister...almost like he her daddy... but its cute to see him look out for her...or how he eyeballs any man he may see noticing me when we out in public...my little man taking care of his family the best way he knows how...im bout to wake them up so we can get ready to hit these streets...shopping, dave and busters, grannys for cupcakes and ice cream, and home for a movie and more junk in my bed...gonna be another long one...hopefully he will tap out before we get home but knowing my kids they can pull an all nighter easy lol...happy birthday my love...